Get off the Road!

How can it possibly be that enough people can decide from one day to the next to drive or not drive on a particular stretch of highway, the same one that I happen to commute on and turn it from a smooth 20 minute drive into 40 minutes of pain?  For the life of me I cannot figure it out and it happens often.  It's not like this is Friday of Labor Day weekend and 10,000 extra assholes are headed to the Gorge to get stoned and see DMB.  No, it's the fucking middle of the week, sunny or rainy, the difference in volume of traffic from say a Wednesday to a Thursday is ridiculous and I suffer for it.  I already despise other drivers enough but I truly don't understand where all these people come from and why they all decide to clog up the freeway on the same day. Sometimes on these days I just want to get away from another driver on the road because they are making me uncomfortable for some reason.  So why is it that I pass them, see them fade away in my rearview, only to come up behind them 5 miles later? 

After contemplating this for years and today too, on the way to work I also thought about all the different types of dipshit drivers that endanger or just irritate me everyday.  So, below are a few examples.

Driver Profiles
The Asshole:  This moron realizes there are lots of other people on the road but doesn't give a shit.  Usually they're driving 85 in a 60, weaving in and out of traffic and gets pissed off when stuck behind a car in the far right lane that's doing the speed limit.  Causes collisions and near collisions behind them and either has no idea or is uninterested.  Also believes semi trucks can magically stop on a dime because they'll cut 10 feet in front of one to get into the far right lane where they subsequently gets stuck behind that car doing the speed limit.

The Oblivious:  Has no idea where they are or where they're going.  May not even know they're driving.  Varies speed from 45 to 90 on the freeway and wanders in and out of their lane.  Often merges or changes lanes without signaling or looking, just assuming there's no one in their blind spot.  May or may not stop at a stop sign.  Is totally unaware that the only way driving is possible is because everyone agrees to a set of rules and more or less follows them, in other words, this person has never read of heard of Rosseau's The Social Contract.  As a result doesn't realize people on the road are trying to get somewhere and is thoroughly offended when you honk at them for driving like a retard.  (May be mistaken for someone on a cell phone that's just not paying attention but there's no cell phone involved.)

The Reader:  Is on a long road trip, possibly drives everyday for work.  Motors along in the far right lane and sets the cruise control to exactly the speed limit and opens up to chapter 6.  May end up in the ditch because they weren't at a stopping point.  War and Peace anyone?  Pass this person quickly.

The Aged:  Anyone (except my grandfather who somehow manages to drive extremely well for being 80, though it may be due to the fact that he drove a concrete truck for over 40 years and learned to deal with those listed above and below) eligible for even partial Social Security due to their age.  They often fall into the oblivious category too but generally just drive 15mph under the speed limit (even if the limit is 25) and on the freeway stay in the far right lane or even on the shoulder if available to drive on in daylight hours.

The Cliche:  Nothing original here.  He is middle aged, overweight, bald, hates his wife, and bought a sports car and feels the need to drive it at mach 3.  I like fast cars too but you sir, are a fucking idiot.  Besides you couldn't afford a cool car like an Aston Martin DB7, Porsche 911 or even a BMW M3, no you are driving around a 2009 Chevy Camaro base model and run it at redline to make people think it's fast.  Fuck off (unless your name is Alex McDonald and you drive a Ferrari 328GTS then you are a badass). Rabble-B